Why should polyamory be aproblem?
Wed 21st May, 2014 in Features
There’s room for everyone.
The LGBTI acronym represents a diverse minority of people, based on either their sexual orientation or gender identity. Its aim is to be inclusive and give a voice to a group that has traditionally been denied one. The pace of progress and change when it comes to gay rights is gathering pace in many parts of the world (which is great!), but is there a chance that we’re neglecting, and not giving voice to another group that deserves to be heard? Namely, people who identify as polyamorous.
Polyamory has many different definitions, but in a general sense, it refers to relationships that consist of more than two people. These relationships are often romantic and sexual in nature, but can also be almost limitless in how they appear to outside observers. They can be made of any number of people, living in any number of individual scenarios.
These types of relationships might not be for everyone, and it might not be for you, but does that mean we shouldn’t be including polyamory within our diverse community?
I realise there are people who already feel that the LGBTI rainbow family is too ‘crowded’, but that’s a different debate. If we are going to have a broad umbrella acronym, and for the moment we do, shouldn’t we make sure that it includes all relevant groups, including polyamory?
I think that it should, and here’s why:
Polyamorous relationships aren’t legally recognised
While the fight for same sex marriage continues in Australia and around the world, same sex relationships are at least afforded some level of legal protection already. This varies from country to country and there are still many areas that need to be worked on. But many general provisions apply, and in a lot of cases, same sex relationships are at the very least, legally recognised and the associated legal protections are afforded to same sex couples.
This isn’t true of polyamorous relationships. What happens if a long-term relationship consisting of three people ends, and there are children involved that were conceived during that relationship? How does custody get worked out? How do assets get divided? There are no clear answers, and no legal protections afforded to anyone in this scenario.
By the same token, as it currently stands, there is nothing (legislation-wise at least) that protects polyamorous people from being discriminated against, based on their relationship status. If your boss for instance finds out that you’re in a polyamorous relationship, decides that he/she doesn’t agree with it, and fires you, what can you do? While LGBTI people are included in most anti-discrimination legislation, polyamory isn’t.
In Queensland for instance, the Anti-Discrimination Act 1991 does cover relationship status, which is includes to mean “being married, single, divorced, separated, de facto or in a same-sex relationship”. But this is based on the assumption that a relationship involves two people. There’s no mention, and possibly no consideration given to, polyamory. If people who are LGBTI are specifically named in the legislation and therefore protected by law, why can’t polyamorous people also be afforded this same protection?
Stigma and shame
Most of us have experienced some form of stigma or shame due to our sexual orientation or gender identity at some stage in our lives. Luckily, attitudes in mainstream society are changing and moving towards understanding, acceptance and compassion.
This doesn’t extend to polyamory. There are many negative perceptions of polyamory from within our own community, not to mention from with mainstream society.
What are YOUR thoughts and pre-conceived ideas about it? For me, I have to admit that images of hippies living together in a commune in a state of ‘free love’ come to mind. Another pre-conceived idea I have is that it’s all about sex, and nothing else.
But how fair is that? How would we like to be judged by homophobic people’s idea of who we are? Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m a paedophile and I would hate to be cast in that light by somebody (as was commonly the case only 30 or 40 years ago). We’ve moved on from then, but we still have a way to go. If we don’t like to be pre-judged, perhaps we can look at ways of avoiding doing this to others?
Polyamory is a choice?
Many people assume that polyamory is a choice, based on a lifestyle preference. The question is – is it though? Just a few decades ago, homosexuality was widely considered to be a lifestyle choice, and a sinful one at that. Today, most of us know better. But even if being same sex attracted was a choice, people should still be allowed to exercise that choice, right?
It might also be worthwhile to consider that maybe polyamory isn’t a choice for some people. If there is a ‘gay gene’, something in our DNA that pre-determines same sex attraction in a person, could there not also be a gene that pre-determines whether a person is capable and perhaps ever pre-disposed to having the capacity to love more than one person at a time?
It’s not about agreeing, disagreeing or even having an opinion on the value of polyamory. It goes deeper than that. It’s a matter of principle. It ultimately comes down to whether we, as a minority community, are genuine in our desire to be inclusive, and to give voices to those whose voices aren’t being heard.
What are your thoughts about polyamory?
The LGBTI acronym represents a diverse minority of people, based on either their sexual orientation or gender identity. Its aim is to be inclusive and give a voice to a group that has traditionally been denied one. The pace of progress and change when it comes to gay rights is gathering pace in many parts of the world (which is great!), but is there a chance that we’re neglecting, and not giving voice to another group that deserves to be heard? Namely, people who identify as polyamorous.
Polyamory has many different definitions, but in a general sense, it refers to relationships that consist of more than two people. These relationships are often romantic and sexual in nature, but can also be almost limitless in how they appear to outside observers. They can be made of any number of people, living in any number of individual scenarios.
These types of relationships might not be for everyone, and it might not be for you, but does that mean we shouldn’t be including polyamory within our diverse community?
I realise there are people who already feel that the LGBTI rainbow family is too ‘crowded’, but that’s a different debate. If we are going to have a broad umbrella acronym, and for the moment we do, shouldn’t we make sure that it includes all relevant groups, including polyamory?
I think that it should, and here’s why:
Polyamorous relationships aren’t legally recognised
While the fight for same sex marriage continues in Australia and around the world, same sex relationships are at least afforded some level of legal protection already. This varies from country to country and there are still many areas that need to be worked on. But many general provisions apply, and in a lot of cases, same sex relationships are at the very least, legally recognised and the associated legal protections are afforded to same sex couples.
This isn’t true of polyamorous relationships. What happens if a long-term relationship consisting of three people ends, and there are children involved that were conceived during that relationship? How does custody get worked out? How do assets get divided? There are no clear answers, and no legal protections afforded to anyone in this scenario.
By the same token, as it currently stands, there is nothing (legislation-wise at least) that protects polyamorous people from being discriminated against, based on their relationship status. If your boss for instance finds out that you’re in a polyamorous relationship, decides that he/she doesn’t agree with it, and fires you, what can you do? While LGBTI people are included in most anti-discrimination legislation, polyamory isn’t.
In Queensland for instance, the Anti-Discrimination Act 1991 does cover relationship status, which is includes to mean “being married, single, divorced, separated, de facto or in a same-sex relationship”. But this is based on the assumption that a relationship involves two people. There’s no mention, and possibly no consideration given to, polyamory. If people who are LGBTI are specifically named in the legislation and therefore protected by law, why can’t polyamorous people also be afforded this same protection?
Stigma and shame
Most of us have experienced some form of stigma or shame due to our sexual orientation or gender identity at some stage in our lives. Luckily, attitudes in mainstream society are changing and moving towards understanding, acceptance and compassion.
This doesn’t extend to polyamory. There are many negative perceptions of polyamory from within our own community, not to mention from with mainstream society.
What are YOUR thoughts and pre-conceived ideas about it? For me, I have to admit that images of hippies living together in a commune in a state of ‘free love’ come to mind. Another pre-conceived idea I have is that it’s all about sex, and nothing else.
But how fair is that? How would we like to be judged by homophobic people’s idea of who we are? Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m a paedophile and I would hate to be cast in that light by somebody (as was commonly the case only 30 or 40 years ago). We’ve moved on from then, but we still have a way to go. If we don’t like to be pre-judged, perhaps we can look at ways of avoiding doing this to others?
Polyamory is a choice?
Many people assume that polyamory is a choice, based on a lifestyle preference. The question is – is it though? Just a few decades ago, homosexuality was widely considered to be a lifestyle choice, and a sinful one at that. Today, most of us know better. But even if being same sex attracted was a choice, people should still be allowed to exercise that choice, right?
It might also be worthwhile to consider that maybe polyamory isn’t a choice for some people. If there is a ‘gay gene’, something in our DNA that pre-determines same sex attraction in a person, could there not also be a gene that pre-determines whether a person is capable and perhaps ever pre-disposed to having the capacity to love more than one person at a time?
It’s not about agreeing, disagreeing or even having an opinion on the value of polyamory. It goes deeper than that. It’s a matter of principle. It ultimately comes down to whether we, as a minority community, are genuine in our desire to be inclusive, and to give voices to those whose voices aren’t being heard.
What are your thoughts about polyamory?
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