I'm
happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And, don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by
our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In
no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now
on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no
Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding
the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table ....You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this?
Somebody????
Forget
about the gifts exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the union
members feel that $10.00 is too much money, and executives believe
$10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What
a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party (the days are so short this time of year), or
else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that
work?
Meanwhile,
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have
to sit with gay men; each gender will have their own table. To the
person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available
for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food thus
we suggest for those people with blood pressure problems to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics since the
restaurant is unable to supply "no sugar" desserts.
Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People,
people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up ike
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's
a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or family feuds over
the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we
lighten up? Please?????????
Also,
the company has changed their mind in announcing the special
announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail,
sent to your home.
Patty
****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #&^@^Holiday Party
I have no#&@^
idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@ do I
care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your
address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address
will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I
will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!
Vegetarians!?!?!?
I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your @ #$^&*! salad bar, including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right now !HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
****************************************************
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm
sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness, and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off
with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri
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