What Not To Say In Interracial Gay Dating Situations
by Sly
Dating
can be rough, regardless of sexual orientation but sometimes we can
make it a lot harder than it has to be. There's also a lot of things to
consider when romantically pursuing someone you're interested in,
regardless of whether it's for something long term or just a one night
stand. There are things we know we have to be aware of and keep in mind
the entire time we're interacting with these other guys. With that said
you'd think there are certain things you should already know when
interacting with someone you're trying to get to know better.
For
instance if a person is extremely short you aren't going to make a
comment about how it must be easy for them to reach smaller cupboards
are you? No you aren't. Well at least you shouldn't bring attention to
it. Why? Because it's rude and whether or not they've had with
it. Or it could make them self-conscious about something they never had a
problem with? And that goes for other physical attributes like
birthmarks, speech impediments, physical or mental differentiation in
ability. And race, which is what I'll be focusing on today.
Earlier
this week after picking up some healthy nutrition (more like 3 family
sized bags of Peanut M&M's) I noticed a guy was watching my every
move. It wasn't a stare so much as it was one of those looks that
someone gives that wants you to notice them. So I turned around and did
my default response of whenever someone seems interesting which is an
eyebrow raised and I lite tilt of the head. He smiled and returned the
gesture.
His
eyes appraised me from top to bottom (no pun intended) It appeared that
I had passed whatever requirements he had in deciding if someone was
attractive/interesting. I have this thing where my eyebrow goes up when
I'm smiling and he placed his hand on my shoulder and he commented on
how strong he presumed I could be. Then that proceeded into me saying a
few sexual innuendos that I won't bore you with as they were a bit off
the cuff and a bit dirty.
All
really fun and playful banter. He had an amazing smile and a sweet airy
laugh. He loved shifting his weight on either foot to begin and end his
thought process. It was all endearing within those first few moments. I
was really enjoying the conversation and was ready to forget everything
else I had planned for the day go hang out with him right at that
moment. But then as he was laughing at our small talk, his expression
changed slightly to what only I assume to mean he had something serious
to say. He lightly touched my arm and said,
"You're so cute. Funny. I'd like to get to know you. Seem like one of the good blacks that speak well."
Seem like one of the good blacks that speak well
THE GOOD BLACKS
All
the smiles and playfulness on my face was immediately replaced with
revulsion and intense anger. I replied saying why the hell he would say
something so racist, forgetting temporarily in that moment that when
people say things like that they truly believe they're paying you a
compliment when in fact it’s a huge insult. Needless to as that it
completely desiccated any amorous feelings I had for this effervescent
man. So instead of enlisting into what I'm sure would've been a very
heated debate on manners, I collected my belongings and left him
standing there in the parking lot.
I
wish I could say that this was the first and only time someone has said
something like this. Or that I've only heard it a dozen times or so.
But in reality I have heard this phrase too many times to count from
some well-meaning guy that. So many decisions on the potential length of
the relationship with the first few minutes. You have to convey so much
within the first few seconds that you all attributes you want to be
known (single/married, looking for sex/looking for love,
top/bottom/vers). But when you say something completely asinine like the
gentleman in this story you eviscerate any ground you made.
All
the things you were silently trying to micromanage onside your head
becomes only focused on what you believe he's focused on. Since he
brought up my race, then how am I supposed to focus on anything else?
Sure there is a lot of pressure from your inner monologue tell you to
decide within this small frame of time what to say and what you should
not say. These situations seem to be magnified when there
You
see what the problem is with comparing someone to the rest of their
race, or other tall or short people, guys with birthmarks, stutters or
any other thing that you see as unique, different or outside the box, is
that it is a problem for you because that is all you seem to focus on.
Too often talking about race in the gay community is dismissed and made
taboo because it is just assumed that you can't be racist if you're gay.
But just because you come from one oppressed group does not mean you
know everything there is to know about every other oppressed group.
As
I was discussing this with colleagues and close friends they wanted me
to elaborate on a few points about intersectionality and how race does
affect dating in this community. So I wanted to write about some of the
things I feel are the biggest issues and point out some things that I
feel arise in these situations that if we remember in these situations
you won't offend a person and actually see them as a person. But more
specifically these are some of the issues that arise the most.
You don't have to tell us that this is the first time you've ever went out with an African American or anyone outside your race because
more than likely we are the first. Even though we are becoming more
diverse by the day, most of the dating pool is in the gay community is
comprised of Caucasian males. I know you aren't going to know each and
every phrase. No you don't need some special manual to interact with me.
Just be authentic and treat me as I do you' as a person.
That doesn't give you an excuse when you've said something we feel is insensitive. You
can express how you didn't see it as offensive but try to understand
why we are upset. Just like with being gay, there are a lot of intricate
levels of insensitivity to institutionalization of racism. In any case
when you've offended someone you care about, apologize first then talk
about it.
No
you are not responsible for knowing every sensitive, intricate detail
of what it means to be an African American in this country for
the man you're dating. You don’t have to know the reasoning of every
time we are offended by something that is insensitive to the color of
our skin. But understand there are so many varying levels you may not
see. So when your guy points it out, both of you should be willing to
listen to both sides.
Remember how it is when someone straight dismisses you for something you feel is homophobic/insensitive to LGBT? The
same rule applies here. Because you may not notice the same things that
we do. And we see it from a lifetime of patterns that let us know that
the intent of statements like "you're so articulate" can sometimes mean
"I don’t think African Americans are smart, intelligent human beings"
So don't ever dismiss the way we feel. Ever. Even
if you don’t agree and are unable to see what we see. Just because you
don’t see what the issue may be known that it may not always affect you
even though we are together that it will always affect me.
Yes you can engage in conversations about race and race relations.
It affects you just as much as it affects me, just not in the same way.
You sitting there listening to me giving a speech about what you did
wrong or what I found offensive by what someone has said or done will do
nothing but make both of us resentful. Open dialogue is what changes
perspectives and fosters understanding.
Don't tell us why you think we are the exception to our race like the story I shared earlier.
It makes us feel like we are some type of anomaly of an otherwise
undesirable race of people we belong to and are a part of. Telling us we
are a contradiction to a stereotype given to our race implies to us
that you believe those stereotypes to be true and that even though you
show no evidence to the contrary that we are still capable of
those behaviors. So on some level you only see the person as a
stereotype or a contradiction of a stereotype, and not the person.
Stereotypes imply that we are susceptible, regardless of action and
behavior.
You see color.
Unless you have some kind of differentiation that does not allow you to
see color or are visually blind you see color. When someone says "I
don't see color" that means that you are going to ignore when (sadly not
if, but when) something comes up about race. Whether that be an
inappropriate comment from you or someone else. See the current
politically correct thing to say is phrases like I don’t see color to
show that it doesn't factor in who you'll choose to date. You can't say
that you enjoy learning about different cultures and perspectives and
say you don't see color. Because you do see color.
But
again it’s a generalization, and no one ever wants to be considered the
"other". We all notice differences in culture, race, and ethnicity. All
of us need to learn that when it comes to race, sexuality, pretty much
anything that is innately different to us, does not equal better or
worse. Just different. We are still a society that is obsessed
with hierarchy and order instead of incorporating even playing fields
for everyone.
I am not just my race so
when you focus on that it is all I believe you will ever see when you
look at me. If all I believe you can see is what's on the surface then
why would I want to go deeper with you? Spoil you? To put all the effort
necessary into building a strong stable relationship or one of the
hottest, most passionate hookups ever? Because you are only seeing the
surface. And I am better than that. Even certain myths and stereotypes (no matter how true they may be) that on the surface shows a group in a positive light are based in discrimination and hate.
Be open and ask.
Be open to the fact that perspectives are going to be different.
Patience and understanding is rewarded to those that are willing to
hear both sides of an argument/view/opinion. When we listen even when we
don't agree because it allows us to see why we feel the way we do.You
should never be afraid to ask someone you're with why something is the
way it is. Just don't treat it like a science project that you're
collecting data for. Don't understand something? Ask. We are not
silently blaming you for the actions of ancestors long gone, but we
cannot ignore that their actions still affect us. So talk. As often as
necessary.
Not
everything will be about race, Far from it. But don't pretend that
these issues won't arise because they will, just like every
relationship. This isn't to detour you from pursuing someone you're
interested in. These situations only become a big issue is because as a
community we actively choose to ignore it and not talk about it. And
just like any relationship when communication is down, everything falls
apart.
But
let me make this clear that this is no more work than if you were
dating someone of the same race. I'm pointing this out because it is
obvious and something you can see thus making it easier to address. This
is to remind those that have always wondered but been unaware of how to
approach it. We can't change it if we ignore it. So scenarios like the
story I told earlier still being a reality today fade into history where
they belong.
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